Inappropriate Conduct
by jazzforthecaptain
Summary: Down here on Earth, you can expect latrine duty for pissing off The Powers That Be. What's that saying? "As above, so below?" Heaven is like that too - but worse: they think those crappy grunt jobs should also be a teachable moment. When Castiel upsets the celestial apple cart by becoming inappropriately attached to his human charges, Heaven assigns him Captain Jack Harkness


**Entry 1**  
I have been relieved of all duties with regards to the Winchesters henceforth. As punishment for sentiment, I have been assigned one 'Jack Harkness' as my new charge. Until such time as I have proven myself trustworthy again, each interaction with Captain Harkness must be fully documented and reported to my superior officer.

**Entry 1a**  
I have received a full briefing on my charge. Due to interference by a Time Lord of Gallifrey, Captain Harkness has been removed from his appropriate timeline. He is a danger to the ordered progression of events as well as the security of Heaven. Captain Harkness requires no aid to resuscitate. My intervention functions solely to erase all memory of Heaven's inner workings, each time he returns to life.

* * *

**Entry 2 - Ellis Island, New York**  
Death: Gunshot

Captain Harkness seems surprised to find himself alive. He currently believes that he was not mortally wounded.

* * *

**Entry 3 - Boston, Massachusetts**  
Death: Gunshot

Captain Harkness's charm leading to his death seems to be a recurring theme. He is visibly agitated by this.

* * *

**Entry 4 - Western Territories, United States**

**Entry 4A**  
Death: Trampled By Horses

That was unpleasant.

**Entry 4B**  
Death: Septic Wound, Arrow to the Gut

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**

I did not interfere despite the unpleasantness of the incident and ensuing infection. Concerns were raised that I might have alleviated some of Captain Harkness's pain. I have filed a full report in rebuttal, citing Captain Harkness's extreme fever and hallucinations as the source of his ravings. To my knowledge, he did not see me.  
Jack has decided to leave the Western Territories. I am relieved.

* * *

**Entry 5 - Provence, France**

**Entry 5A**  
Death: Stray Javelin

Death is destined to follow Captain Harkness.  
He has developed an increasingly negative discourse with God. His ranting is not understood by most of the locals and is regarded with suspicion. I believe they may fear he is possessed. I have done my best to intercede and quell this fear, before his behavior greatly alters the timeline. A witch-hunt at this period in history would be regrettable.

**Entry 5B**  
Death: Alcohol Poisoning

At least the ranting has subsided, although Captain Harkness grows increasingly despondent.

**Entry 5C**  
Death: Alcohol Poisoning

I understand why this detail was considered a punishment.  
In other news, Captain Harkness believes there is no God. These persistent memory wipes leave him with a dark void beyond death.  
Given the situation, I cannot fault this conviction.

**Entry 5D**  
Death: Internal Bleeding Due to Severe Physical Trauma

It seems the locals have had enough of Captain Harkness.

**Entry 5E**  
Death: Drowning

My attempts to maintain the village's peaceful disposition have failed.

**Entry 5F**  
Death: Fire

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**

A full report of my decision to intercede following this death has been filed with my superior. The memory of this incident and all preceding incidents up to and including Captain Harkness's arrival in Provence have been wiped. Captain Harkness is relocated.

* * *

**Entry 6 - The West Indies**

**Entry 6A**  
Death: Malaria

Human frailty is exasperating.  
Jack's previous ravings towards God have been turned towards the Doctor, whom he now blames for his affliction.

**Entry 6B**  
Death: Torture (Indigenous Population)

While remote, this location has its own hazards. The volume of pain Captain Harkness experienced is a direct result of my decision to relocate him here. His suffering is my fault.  
Perhaps he always blamed the Doctor. It is only now I fully understand who Captain Harkness speaks of so fervently. What I took for ire against our Father may be directed at the Time Lords.

**Entry 6B**  
Death: Internal Trauma, Fall

I'm uncertain as to the accidental nature of this incident. I have requested to be relieved of this post.

**Entry 6C**  
Death: Gunshot (Self-Inflicted)

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**  
**[REQUEST FOR RELIEF OF POST DENIED]**

I have filed a full report with my superior on the nature of this incident. I make no excuse for my actions, and as my request for relief from this post has been refused, I assume my methods of carrying out my orders must be satisfactory.  
What are we, if not made to comfort the weary and afflicted?  
Captain Harkness has been relocated.

**_[Jack Harkness being who he is, several volumes of routine reports omitted for brevity. Unabridged version available in Stacks 4500-5000 of the Library.]_**

* * *

**Entry 42 - London, England**

**Entry 42A**  
Death: Trampled By Horse

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**

I have filed a full report with my superior on the nature of this incident.  
That animal was bad-tempered and a danger to other humans in the future if not dealt with.  
If my conduct with regards to Jack is found wanting, I reiterate my previous request for removal from this post.

**Entry 42B**  
Death: Severed Abdominal Artery, Broken Bottle

Jack has been contacted by Torchwood at last. I have hope that this new purpose will result in fewer opportunities to do himself mischief.

**Entry 42C**  
Death: Gunshot

It appears I was mistaken.

**Entry 42D**  
Death: Toxic Gas Emitted By Pelutian-Xr

On a positive note, Jack has formulated a plan to intercept the Doctor.

_**[Multiple entries omitted for brevity. Unabridged version available in Stacks 4500-5000 of the Library.]**_

* * *

**Entry 43 - Wizno's Wonders and The Night Travelers**

**Entry 43A**  
Death: Gunshot

Jack has entered a traveling circus called "Wizno's Wonders" under cover, billed as "The Man Who Cannot Die" while investigating another entertainer troupe called "The Night Travelers." Given the nature of his performance, this trip will not be pleasant.

**Entry 43B**  
Death: Gunshot(Self-Inflicted)

_No summary provided._

**Entry 43C**  
Death: Gunshot(Self-Inflicted)

_No summary provided._

**Entry 43D**  
Death: Gunshot(Self-Inflicted)

_No summary provided._

**Entry 43E**  
Death: Gunshot(Self-Inflicted)

**[REQUEST FOR RELIEF OF POST DENIED.]**

_No summary provided._

**Entry 43F**  
Death: Gunshot(Self-Inflicted)

_No summary provided._

**Entry 43G**  
Death: Gunshot(Self-Inflicted)

_No summary provided._

**Entry 43H**  
Death: Gunshot(Self-Inflicted)

_No summary provided._

_**[Multiple entries omitted for brevity. Unabridged version available in Stacks 4500-5000 of the Library.]**_

**Entry 43DA**  
Death: Brain Incinerated By Holy Light

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**

Full report filed.

Piss off.

**[RECALLED FOR MANDATORY RETRAINING]**

* * *

**Entry 44 - Cardiff, Wales**

**Entry 44A**  
Death: Exsanguination (Weevil)

As this is the first report filed since my retraining, Captain Harkness must have managed to avoid danger in my absence. He has since learned how to subdue weevils and is in the process of designing sedatives with the resident chemist.  
In the future I will curb inappropriate language. I have been reminded that the purpose of this assignment is to gain necessary distance from humans. In time I am confident I will learn more efficient control.

**Entry 44B**  
Death: Earthquake

The Cardiff Station is largely rubble. Captain Harkness and all personnel above station level were killed when the top two floors fell in the quake.

**Entry 44C**  
Death: Suffocation

Help is slow in coming to the victims of the collapse.

**Entry 44D**  
Death: Suffocation

I don't believe the city truly knows the magnitude of damage to Cardiff Bay.

**Entry 44E**  
Death: Suffocation

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**

A full report of the incident has been filed. Removing Captain Harkness from the rubble best served Heaven and eliminated an unnecessary waste of resources.  
Several operatives were also removed from the lower Station area. None of these individuals retain any memory of the event, and their action upon the Torchwood Cardiff timeline is minimal.

* * *

**Entry 45 - Lahore, India**

**Entry 45A**  
Death: Suffocation (Flower Petals)

I truly loathe faeries.

_**[Multiple entries omitted for brevity. Unabridged version available in Stacks 4500-5000 of the Library.]**_

* * *

**Entry 97 - World War I**

**Entry 97A**  
Death: Gas

While I understand the dry details of this conflict, I confess I don't comprehend the human desires involved. Jack has enlisted, rather than been conscripted. Perhaps he believes he will find the Doctor amid the chaos. There are several Time Lord interferences on record regarding the First World War.

Jack's personal heaven has begun to take on new shapes. I find what he finds peaceful these days to be of concern.

**Entry 97B**  
Death: Barbed Wire, Tetanus

Jack is far from the first man to be claimed by bacteria rather than enemy fire.

**Entry 97C**  
Death: Gunshot

Jack is becoming known as something of a miracle to his fellow soldiers.

**Entry 97D**  
**[REDACTED. INFORMATION RESTRICTED.]**  
**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**  
**[REQUEST FOR RELIEF OF POST DENIED]**  
**[RECALLED FOR OFFICIAL MISCONDUCT HEARING]**

* * *

**Entry 105 - Cardiff, Wales**

_[Entries 105-110 Filed By Anais]_

* * *

**Entry 111 - World War II**

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: NO REPORTS FILED]**

Nothing of note occurred. Captain Jack Harkness continued in his typical, casually self-destructive behavior patterns; I enacted my duties upon him as necessary. As I have said in previous reports, if the way in which I carry out my charge is found derelict, reassign me.

**[REQUEST FOR RELIEF OF POST DENIED]**

* * *

**Entry 112 - Cardiff, Wales**

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: NO REPORTS FILED]**

Captain Jack Harkness has lost all sense of self-preservation and grows increasingly distant from his own humanity. He dies frequently as a result of cavalier attitude. **Entries 2-111 should be indicative enough of this pattern without further report.**  
When something unexpected happens, I'll let you know.

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INSUBORDINATION]**  
**[RECALLED FOR OFFICIAL MISCONDUCT HEARING]**

_[Entries 113-114 Filed by Anais]_

**[INQUIRY: REQUEST FOR INFORMATION ON "4-5-6"]**  
**[INQUIRY DENIED]**

* * *

**Entry 115 - Cardiff, Wales**

**Entry 115A**  
Death: Nervous System Failure, 'Blowfish' Venom

While interesting, the alien species known as 'blowfish' to Torchwood is not my father's creation. I don't know what deity is responsible for them (if any), but it certainly possessed a sense of humor. Blowfish are appearing in Cardiff with more frequency now, as are 'weevils.'

**Entry 115B**  
Death: Gunshot

December 31, 1999 marks the end of a Torchwood era. While traumatized by the incident, Captain Harkness seems fueled with resolve to re-form Torchwood in a more positive way.  
He has come far from his initial cowardice. Perhaps immortality has something to do with that change, but not fearing death cannot be fairly equated with this choice to raise Torchwood above its former existence.  
Despite the past centuries, Captain Harkness is still waiting for the Doctor to return. It is difficult not to sympathize with this kind of devotion.

**Entry 115C**  
Death: Cyberman Attack

Many Torchwood Cardiff operatives lost. Torchwood One London destroyed.

**Entry 115D**  
Death: Gunshot

Suzie Costello's fate is regrettable, but her condition by this time was unstable.

**Entry 115E**  
Death: Impalement

**[INQUIRY: REQUEST FOR INFORMATION ON "SLEEPER" AGENTS]**  
**[INQUIRY GRANTED - AVAILABLE DATA ATTACHED]**

**Entry 115F**  
Death: Abaddon

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**

A full report has been filed regarding the incident. Over the period his body required to recuperate, Jack proved difficult to contain - and avoid while doing so. I was forced to engage him as the only means to keep him preoccupied. Heaven is no place for him; even filled with familiar faces, it did not satisfy him. He grew increasingly agitated, convinced it was a hallucination.  
I did what was required to distract him.  
He retains no memory of the encounter.

* * *

**Entry 116 - Unknown Location, Future**

**Entry 116A**  
Death: Time Vortex

An alien species possesses the means and power to reach the end of time? This is of dire concern. Any angel attempting to transport himself thus would be incinerated in the process. I was able to 'hitchhike' aboard the (sentient) ship.  
She noticed me. None of her passengers, however, seemed to.

**[INQUIRY: REQUEST FOR INFORMATION ON "THE DOCTOR"]**  
**[INQUIRY DENIED]**

**Entry 116B**  
Death: Radiation

I understand Jack's determination. Information is worth even such extraordinary pain. He has been reunited with 'The Doctor,' a 'Time Lord' of the planet Gallifrey, as well as a young human female named Martha - a doctor in the conventional human sense.  
At least Jack has his answers, although they are clearly not what he wanted.  
If 'The Doctor' is exemplary of his species, I am unimpressed.

**[ENTRIES 116C-117F REDACTED. INFORMATION RESTRICTED. REASON: TIMELINE NO LONGER EXISTS.]**

* * *

**Entry 118 - Cardiff, UK**

**Entry 118A**  
Death: Severe Internal Trauma (Fall)

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**

A full report has been filed regarding the incident. Captain John Hart was restored, his memory of the event removed. I will abide by my orders, but I feel he does not belong on this planet and will be dangerous if not contained immediately.

**[INQUIRY: REQUEST FOR INFORMATION ON "CAPTAIN JOHN HART"]**  
**[INQUIRY GRANTED - AVAILABLE DATA ATTACHED]**

**Entry 118B**  
Death: Gunshot (Multiple, Automatic Weapon)

John Hart is a menace. He gunned Jack down following multiple targeted explosions across the city of Cardiff.

**[REQUEST FOR INTERVENTION]**  
**[REQUEST DENIED]**

**Entry 118C**  
Death: Electrocution

**[REQUEST FOR INTERVENTION(2)]**  
**[REQUEST DENIED]**

**Entry 118D**  
Death: Internal Laceration (Stab Wound)

I lost track of Jack's whereabouts for some time. I was alerted to his death just as I located the signature of the Vortex Manipulator used to transport him. Thankfully, he was not transported beyond my reach.  
Jack has a brother. Too busy watching John Hart, I failed to see the clues laid out, pointing to John following orders from elsewhere. Gray's thoughts are hidden from me behind the murk of lunacy and hate.  
I have been told this series of events must play out. I don't understand. Surely the formative events have already occurred?

**Entry 118E**  
Death: Suffocation

Captain Jack Harkness has been buried alive. I suppose there truly is no other way to bury a man of his nature. Worse still, he was placed in the ground without a container. I have been forcefully reminded that I am barred from intervention, and am abiding by that order. At least one death has occurred while I write this report on its predecessor.

* * *

**Entry 119 - Beneath Cardiff, UK**

**Entry 119A**  
Death: Suffocation

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: FAILURE TO FOLLOW ORDERS]**

A complete report has been filed. I have elected not to wipe Jack's memory until such time as he is released from this imprisonment.  
The deaths occur so frequently that my resources drain too quickly. Should I attempt to wipe Jack's mind without sufficient power, I may damage his remaining memories. He is not a security risk in this state.

**Entry 119B**  
Death: Suffocation

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**

A complete report has been filed. I felt it necessary to introduce myself to Jack and explain the situation. He didn't take it well.

**Entry 119C**  
Death: Suffocation

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT]**

I am not misusing resources to extend the periods Jack spends in Heaven. Perhaps these frequent deaths are taking a toll on whatever it is that drags him back to life.

**Entry 119D**  
Death: Suffocation

Jack is at last willing to talk to me, although I believe only because he sees me as his gatekeeper. He is one of few humans I have engaged when not masquerading as a human. He is curious, although suspicious.

**Entry 119E**  
Death: Suffocation

Jack escaped from my custody in Heaven and found his way out of his own paradise. His own regenerative process solved the issue, but I will need to use more caution.  
I like him.

**Entry 119F**  
Death: Suffocation

_No summary provided._

**Entry 119G**  
Death: Suffocation

_No summary provided._

**Entry 119H**  
Death: Suffocation

_No summary provided._

**Entry 119I**  
Death: Suffocation

_No summary provided._

_**[Multiple entries omitted for brevity. Unabridged version available in Stacks 4500-5000 of the Library.]**_

**Entry 119BP**  
Death: Suffocation

_No summary provided._

**[COMPLAINT LODGED: NO REPORTS FILED]**

**Entry 119BQ**  
Death: Suffocation

These are not the duties for which we were created.  
We were made to guard and care for humanity, not Heaven.  
Our behavior puts us on the level of many clandestine human war operations. I appreciate the irony.  
I have sealed Jack's paradise from outside interference. Until such time as his body is exhumed he will not suffer another death.  
This is not a failure to follow my original orders. It is insubordination. Please ensure that any future complaints are correctly filed.

In the words of dear friends:  
Come and get us, you little bastards.

**_[end of report transmissions]_**


End file.
